i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
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tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You don't make any sense
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