you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
