I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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