Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
