So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
