It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
