my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
