i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
