How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
