i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
