He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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