i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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