I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
