1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just tell him i said nine months
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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