I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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