a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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