Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
