I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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