farters have to be the big spoon...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
