He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
