$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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