Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
