Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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