Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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