I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
