Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
