decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
