New invention idea: vibrating tampons
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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