Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
