im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
