it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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