Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Come on in and take your pants off
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