I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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