They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
