She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
