Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
