Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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