I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
