When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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