I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
