cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this just has baby written all over it
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
