the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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