I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
please come you make the beer taste better
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
