Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My cat gives me a boner
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The uberlube is also flammable
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
