Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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