Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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