I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
