That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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