I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
