I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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